Day 34 (18 June 2011) - 'I'm going Deeper Underground'

...'there's too much panic in this town'
Yes, on Day 34, I've decided to become a Tube Driver.  The short hours, lots of holiday, regular strikes, what's not to like?  Only kidding; but whilst I'm not really going underground, I have spent much of this week going 'Deep' - behave at the back (I'm doing that Frankie Howerd thing again, aren't I?). 

As those who know me well will know, I'm prone to biiiiig bouts of introspection and procrastination.  These tend to involve long periods of silence (which, in my case normally equates to about 7 minutes), much brow furrowing (and you thought I was passing wind) and some sort of proclamation at the end that something is a little bit rubbish.  Fortunately, I'm surrounded my people who usually respond with comments such as 'grow a set', 'so do something about it', or 'yes and that's life - think on!'  This week I got to indulge myself even further as my wonderful, amazing boss (that's not supposed to sound sarcastic, he really is a truly amazing bloke), sent me on a two day 'Personal Mastery' course. 

I had no idea what this course was going to be about, but figured it was two days out of the office - much needed at the moment - and there was bound to be some cake involved somewhere along the way.  However, it turned out to be two days totally attuned to my quest to discover more drive, to achieve more and generally find some sense of purpose.  Some of this was mentioned in my last post , notably the stuff around 'Choice'.  For those who weren't paying attention, here's a breif summary:  whilst you can't always control what life throws at you, it is your decision how you respond to each situation.  There's nothing wrong with being 'humf-y', throwing your toys out of the pram or generally saying 'this is shit'...however if you choose to adopt any of these positions, you have made a conscious choice to do so.  This sounds pretty basic stuff and, indeed, when I've excitedly shared this with friends this week, they've looked at me like I'm bonkers as though I've just told them that 2+2 = 4 or that day follows night, but I'd really looked at life that way and doing so it amazingly empowering. 

Much of the course focused on three questions:

1. Who am I?
2. Why am I?
3. What will I spend my life on?

I've never known the answer to this last question - and still don't - but I learned, this week, that I can't begin to answer that question until I've worked out the answers to the first two.  Ooooh, all very deep, isn't it?  To help me answer the first one - Who Am I? (although I still think I wasn't far off in my earlier estimate of being a cross between Ronnie Corbett & Thora Hird) - I've been set ten questions to answer.  Sadly, they're a bit harder than the ones in my local pub quiz and there's none on 1990s pop music, but hey ho.  Here they are:

• What are my underlying personality traits.  What are the strengths and limitations of these?
• What are my natural (not learned) talents and strengths?
• What beliefs to I hold about myself which limit me.  Which ones empower me?
• What can I change about myself.  What do I need to accept?
• What am I passionate about.  What do I value above all?
• How have I allowed my origins, my environment, my relationships and my experiences to shape my beliefs of who I am?
• How easily do I recognise my 'response-ability' i.e. my choice to respond to situations.  How often do I consciously use this?
• What opportunities do I have to shape a different future if I used my 'choice-muscle' more readily?
• What drives me, fundamentally?
• What beliefs about human origin and destiny satisfy me?

I'm currently sitting in the lotus position, on a rock in the Himalayas pondering these...well, I'm not, but feel I ought to.  To some of you, these may sound like a crock of ol' shite, however what suprised me during the course was how readily and easily some of my colleagues could answer many of these and yet how difficult I found them.  Fortunately, I wasn't alone (there were three of us occupying what we called the naughty corner, all equally baffled by these), however what's clear to me is that without being able to answer most of these, I'm never going to find that sense of purpose I think I'm looking for and will thus continue to drift along - although it hasn't served me too badly thus far.  The other very interesting learning that came out of this was that people who don't know 'who they are' often end up being defined by other aspects of their life - usually their work or their partners - and thus find it harder to adjust to changes in either of these than those people who clearly know who they are and who, as a result, are more likely to instigate changes in their lives. 

Still with me?  Wouldn't blame if you weren't as it's all very serious for a blog.  However, the point is that I listened to all of this and there was a sudden 'BINGO' moment.  I sat there thinking 'but this is my life you're describing', 'this is what's happened to me' and I realised that by setting challenges and tasks, I'm trying to find out who I am.  In addition, my asking friends and colleagues to set them for me, it wasn't me being lazy (although I'm sure there's a bit of that in there somewhere) it was actually an unconscious realisation that I don't really know who I am and without a significant other to guide me along I'm a bit lost.  But that's OK, cos so are millions of other people - and if you're one of those, why not try answering the ten questions above for yourself.  If you find this easy, good for you, you well-rounded, centred person; if you can't, well, it's time to do so - sooo much fun awaits.

What have I done about all of this?  Aside, from a lot of lists, some mind-maps (get me, eh) and a lot of positive thinking, I've reached the following conclusions:

1. I'm a bit lost
2. As a result of Number 1, I am susceptible to allowing external forces (work, significant others) to define who I am
3. ...which is why I find being single so darned hard cos removing those external forces takes me back to Number 1
4. I now have a clear set of questions which I'm going to spend the next twelve months answering
5. Your challenges and tasks will enable me to do this - thank you
6. I'm going to have lots and lots of fun
7. I shall come out of this with a clearer sense of identity
8. ...a renewed sense of purpose
9. ...and some clear directions for the rest of my days
10. if, along the way, someone wants to accompany me on this journey, that's fine too; but is no longer essential.

Here endeth the lecture.  Don't forget to do your homework. 

If this was all a little too deep for you, have no fear, I can exclusively reveal that the next post will include an homage to Brian Blessed.