...of the mess you left when you went away'
Two golden rules of blogging:
1. Never quote Alanis Morrissette
2. Never blog when drunk
...but hey, I'm feeling rebellious, so what the hell!
However, before I begin, I should state that I, Craig Jonathan Fordham, am of sound mind and body, so before you imagine me lying in a pool of my own vomit, weeping into a can of White Lightning, I should point out that the reality is very different. I have had a lovely evening, watching Twenty20 cricket in the evening sunshine at the Oval, accompanied by my wonderful team. We've laughed - a lot - and enjoyed some very exciting cricket and all in all it's been a great night...
...yet, like so many similarly lovely nights spent in recent times with so many wonderful people, it's all been played out against a backdrop of sheer, raw and base anger. My various challenges have come to a halt and I'm struggling to maintain the motivation and sense of momentum I previously had. Maybe this is just what happens at this stage of proceedings, however, I've realised that my mental and emotional state has changed significantly in recent days. Whilst in 'normal' times my equilibrium has been a kind of warm and fluffy contentment, currently my 'standard' state is one of maddening infuriation. I'm not proud of this; not in the slightest. I like to regard myself as a bright and rational person with a reasonably high degree of emotional intelligence. I approach problems in a scientific way, regarding unusual thoughts and feelings as a experiment that should be monitored closely and probed in order to gain an understanding and a mastery, so that an appropriate response can be discovered. But, at the moment, I feel as though this particular specimen is out of control, like some sort of ragwort, as my irritation grows to resentment...and that ain't healthy. So, having tried the internalisation response and found it wanting, I'm going for the writing it down option, as this often helps.
Before I go any further - and I should have got this out of the way at the very beginning - this post is purely for me; so feel free to look away, leave the virtual room or go elsewhere. This is kinda my Brad Pitt, Fight Club moment!
So, why so mad? Well, as dignified and amicable as my recent split seemed to be, as the weeks have gone on, I've become less gracious, less pleasant and, to put it bluntly, more bitter. Although I was dumped in the nicest way possible (and it really was considerately and carefully done), as a friend at work put it (and apologies for the coarse language): ' a turd is a turd. You can wrap it up in a nice ribbon and put it in a beautiful box...but it's still a turd'! Move over Keats, I say!!! As everybody knows - cos, let's face it, we've all been there at some stage - getting dumped is rubbish. You can dress it up in as many 'it's not you, it's me / I just need some space / we both deserve better etc' cliches as much as you like, but ultimately it's a rejection and whether you're Mrs Giggs or a simple fatty on the X-Factor who can't sing for toffee, rejection smarts. And if rejection on its own isn't hurtful enough, finding out that you've been replaced is that little bit worse. As much as the rational part of you knows that it's of absolutely no benefit comparing yourself to the 'new you' the human brain just doens't work like that and, try as you might, the temptation to play a kind of human Top Trumps between you and the newbie is just tooo great. Before you know it you're replaying seemingly inocuous conversations, throwaway comments and gestures over and over again, like Hercule Poirot, trying to find some hidden meaning that would have enabled you to see 'it' (or rather, them) coming. You lie awake at three in the morning analysing the tone in which 'x' was said; playing certain scenes over and over again in your mind or finding hidden (made up?) meanings in actions uncertain whether 2+2 = 4 or 57.
Of course, none of this matters and understanding what went wrong, where you fell short or why the other person decided to paddle a different canoe, gets you nowhere and I absolutely know that. The focus must be on the future and driving forward to new adventures and making new memories; although at the moment it seems I'm hell-bent on trying to replace the old ones, in a Stalinist-type purge that wipes any memory of 'them' from history - emails, texts, messages are being deleted, photos and mementos destroyed in sudden fits of pique, all of which I know I'll regret. But the need to keep focusing on what's to come rather than what's been is why I asked you to set me these new challenges and quests to begin with - and I've so enjoyed planning and tackling them. There's no sense of sadness, of loss or of the sort of desperate romantic longing that packs out the local Odeon every night - I can confidently state, with a sense of absolute clarity, that I wouldn't go back, even if the chance arose. But right now, it feels as though I've got a large ball and chain painted with the words 'rejection, betrayal and anger' tied to my leg, dragging me backwards and stopping me from making the most of the many wonderful opportunities which fate - and friends - have thrown my way...and I am super-keen not to build up a series of regrets by letting these opportunities pass me by. So, maybe, in a kind of Noel Edmonds-style cosmic ordering type of way, by committing these words to cyberspace the shackles will be broken and I'll be able to crack on with the rest of my tasks and the rest of my life unencumbered.
If you've got this far, you may well regard this as the most self-indulgent and pathetic post you'll find on the internet. It may well be the former, but I don't regard it as the latter. I'm generally in a good place surrounded by so much wonderful opportunity and a sense of freedom which is both exhilirating and energising. I want to throw myself into this with a sense of vigour I've never had before, but just need to exorcise a few demons first. If you will, please consider this post my exorcism...
...now, if you've genuinely got this far, please forget everything you've read; it'll just be embarrassing for the both of us.
Normal service - tomfoolery and nonsense etc - will return imminently.
Never quote the Alanis honey, when you start with that you know it can never be good, next thing you know it'll be the Cure...then the slope just slides into Coldplay and James Blunt seriously you need to think about these things. xx
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