...causes head-on collisions'
In a work situation I can make handle big decisions. I sensibly decide the information I need to make a decision, collate that information, make sound assumptions for any missing bits, weigh up the various options and the risks associated with each, mix it with a bit of gut instinct and eventually (and usually quickly) reach a decision. I use the same approach when friends ask me for advice and like to think that I'm someone who can be relied on to dispense sound, honest and impartial counsel.
So why is it, when it comes to making decision about my personal life I invariably tie myself up in all sorts of knots, invariably jump to the worst-case scenarios and allow myself to become almost paralysed with fear. It was one of the reasons I started this blog - to prove to myself, through your very kind help - that I could approach personal 'stuff' with the same confidence as I do at work or when meddling in the lives of others!
I think I've done alright up to now, resisting the urge to say 'no' when faced with unfamiliar situations I would usually have run a mile from and have, on occasions, deliberatly thrown myself into tasks and challenges which have scared me.
Quite why my default approach to big life decisions is to simply panic is unclear. Maybe, being the youngest of three children, I was overly protected when growing up and always had my parents or my big brothers to make things OK. As an adult I've always had someone I can rely on to make things happen, whether it be Katie at university - one of my oldest friends who did the same course as me and ended up as my housemate; my brother, when I moved to London - I moved into his flat, where I stayed for five years; or the ex who always took care of the big decisions such as where we lived, I've spent my entire life being surrounded by people who would always 'make it alright' or at least give the feeling that they would!
Why am I raising this now? I've got to make a huge decision about whether to buy a flat. Well, not whether to buy one, because I know this is something I want to do. I've also managed to sort of work out my brief - two bedrooms (so I can rent one out, if required), in need of little work (I can barely change a lightbulb) and must have a bath - that's not too much to ask for, is it? The big issue is where this flat will be. My instinct is drawing me to my lovely old Putney, where I have lived so happily for the last eight years. It's convenient for transport links, has the river and Richmond Park on its doorstep (so is perfect for running), has the lowest council tax in the country and - perhaps least importantly - is safe, secure and familiar...and yet it's this latter point which keeps drawing me back.
Sadly, however, I'm not the only person to recognise the benefits of Putney, so as a result, it's ridiculously expensive - so expensive that most of the properties which meet my brief, don't meet my budget. As a result I've spent the last few weeks looking at some pretty nasty flats and slowly moving my search further and further away from central Putney - hey, but not too far away, that would be reckless!
Finally, on Saturday, I saw a nice two-bed property in Southfields which was lovely once insde, but was housed in a 1960s purpose built concrete block. 'It's OK' I thought, 'it's the inside you're going to be looking at', so having been suitably impressed, the new confident, decisive me put a cheeky, non-negotiable offer in that afternoon.
...except it's been accepted. This should excite me - and I am pleased that my assertive, no-nonsense approach paid off - but any excitement has been completely overwhelmed by the old-style panic. 'What if I'm making a terrible mistake', 'what if there are loads of hidden problems?', 'what happens if I lose my job or get sick?', 'what happens if my neighbours turn out to be some sort of neighbourhood protection racket?'. Financially I'm worried by the lack of contingency, for although I shall be paying the mortgage off every month, buying a flat anywhere near Putney is going to leave me with no 'rainy day' fund and I'll have little surplus cash each month - a situation I assume most homeowners face.
I've had a walk round the area this evening and am beginning to think I'm making a bad mistake - whilst it's privately owned, it's totally surrounded by an enormous council estate - think the Jasmine Allen on The Bill. It is, however, a nice flat inside and, having researched crime stats, there doesn't appear to be any major issues. Whilst my instinct is to back out, there is the fact that if I want to be all snobbish about it, I might well have to moved further out into a completely new area, which is also a risk! Can this beggar really be a chooser? How do you know what to do in these situations?
I guess what it ultimately comes down to is the fact that, whilst I have loads of great friends dispensing all sorts of advice, this decision, this great, big , scary decision, is mine alone to make and for once, and possibly the first time, there's no-one who can 'make it alright' if I get it wrong. On one hand I've never felt so empowered, but on the other, I've never felt quite so alone. Based on this, am I going to feel like this about any flat I see? Right now, I don't quite know how I'm going to resolve this - a coin seems a good a bet as any - , but I now realise that therein lies the beating heart of this whole blog and this whole challenging year thing. How do I learn to be more rational rather than panic and how do I learn to trust myself and my own ability to 'make it alright' rather than needing the ressurance of others. If I can resolve this, surely I can resolve anything? Can't I?
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