OK, so this blog is supposed to be about my various challenges, however it's 'my gaff, my rules', so if I want to discuss the pros and cons of quantitative easing, the various merits of Monet vs Degas or the use of sleep as a metaphor in Shakespeare, then I shall.
...and I'm sure I'll get on to each of those subjects at some stage throughout the year. In the meantime, you can have my list of random irritations about the X-Factor!
I confess to having a love / hate relationship with the X-Factor. Every year I promise myself I'm not going to watch it and every year I end up getting hooked from about Boot Camp onwards. I find the auditions a bit tedious - 'and just when the judges thought the day was a total waste, along came xxxx (insert name with random sob story)'; repeat x number of episodes - and I find many of the contestants...well...a bit sad, really. You know, the ones we're all supposed to laugh at for being so deluded; the same ones who often appear to have very little going for them in life other than the fact they have a dream to escape their existence and see the X Factor as a possible chance to do so? (since when did I develop a conscience?). But when it gets to Boot Camp and Judges Houses, however, I'm in there like a tramp on chips and remain that way until, ooh, about episode five of the live shows, when I start to get a bit bored. By Christmas I'm totally over it...until the next year.
At the moment, I'm on that cusp of being totally hooked but beginning to emerge from the all-encompassing obession like a squirrel emerging from hibernation (I could have easily said beaver, but you lot aren't to be trusted on that one). Thus far it's been quite fun. Things I have particularly enjoyed about this year's show include:
- No Simon Cowell. He just always looked bored, frankly and you always felt that the show wasn't about the contestants but was solely about him...
- ...and Biffa Cole, who I'm also missing about as much as ricketts. The moment she said Cher Lloyd was 'right up her street' she reminded us that rather than the carefully manufactured nation's sweetheart, she'll always be that rough Geordie lass who took her mules to a toilet attendant over the price of a couple of Haribo or something.
- Two Shoes - 'totes emosh Derm' will live on forever
- The way Peter Dixon says 'Sophie Habibas'
- Kelly Rowland - love Destiny's Child and love the Rowland
- No Brian Friedman. His shrunken head always scared me
- Two Shoes - the running lipstick
- The fact that a number of the acts are of a similar standard making it harder to predict who's going and who's staying
- Goldie - the greatest contestant the X Factor has ever seen. As mad as a box of frogs
- Two Shoes - the greatest group the X Factor has ever seen. As mad as a box of frogs
- Tulisa- a pleasant surprise! Thought I was going to hate her. I don't!
- Kitty - not the greatest contestant the X Factor has ever seen. But still as mad as a box of frogs and very watchable - particularly her heavily botoxed forehead.
Anyway, the purpose of this post is to get these X-Factor irritations off my chest, once and for all. Ladies and Gentlemen, your X-Factor rant starts right here (does a little twirl a la Dermot). In no particular order:
1. Frankie - what a talentless little pr*ck he is. Can barely sing, has all the charisma of haemorrhoids and has as much attitude as Sister Wendy. 'I went out again last night. I know Gary's going to be cross' Yes, so much so that he sent an entire film crew with you. No-one has six girls names tattooed on their arse cos they're 'hard' or they're 'cool'. No, they do it to get noticed, because they don't have the confidence in who they are as a person to think people will be interested in who they are and what they have to say. In many cases you can sympathise, but when they overcompensate to the extent this little turd has, then quite frankly sympathy goes out the window. You just know there are a number of drug suppliers rubbing their greasy little paws together as the propect of encountering Frankie.
2. PR by numbers. 'Simon's livid with the viewing figures', 'the judges are all getting sacked', 'the judges have had a big fall out', 'xxx was bully', 'yyy was a victim of bullying', 'zzz is sleeping with bbb'. Yawn. We can all see through the big PR machine, because you attempt to feed us the same stories EVERY YEAR - right back to Pop Idol when Will Young was 'rumoured to be dating' Hayley Evetts. Try to come up with something original! It's boring and totally seethrough. Why not go for something totally outlandish along the lines of 'Louis Walsh admits he's gay' or 'Kelly admits she hasn't spoken to her acts since Boot Camp' or 'Simon Cowell admits he's gay' or 'whilst the other judges are on £500k each, Tulisa gets her busfair and a 1998 trance CD'
3. Ashford - just die!!!! And no, I don't mean literally, but for goodness sake he's like ruddy Batfink! Chance #1 - Boot Camp. Not good enough. Voted off. Chance #2 - resurfaces in Nu Vibe. Not good enough. Voted off. Chance #3 - resurfaces in The Risk. For the love of God, will no-one get the message? What has this boy got over Cowell that, like herpes, he keeps coming back! If I was Kelly I'd rush back from LA pretty sharpish cos I'm expecting to see Ashford in her chair as soon as The Risk are voted off
4. Kelly's sickie - as acting performances go it was right up there with Mariah Carey's turn in Glitter (if you haven't seen this, I insist you watch it, but do so in the company of friends and lots of alcohol). As much as I love the Rowland (if only for the fact she's not Cheryl), c'mon love! You only have to sit there for an hour and say 'you brought it' five times and 'you need to take it up a notch' four times, you're not being asked to clear the studio of asbestos! Quite frankly if one of the judges can't be bothered to show up, I'm not sure I can be bothered to watch
5. Frankie's hair - No. Excuse. For. That. Barnet.
6. Mischa B's insincerity - easily the most talented act on the show, but looks as trustworthy as an Italian in a war (apologies to any Italian's who might be offended by that). Not to be crossed, that one.
7. Janet - now I'm sure she's lovely, however listening to the judges you've have thought we'd discovered the lovechild of John Lennon and Madonna. I know I'm no Andrew Lloyd Webber (thank heavens), but to me she just sounds a bit dull and a bit...well...out of tune.
8. Frankie's facial hair - I'm not even sure what to call it. Moustache - definitely not. Stubble - hardly. Whatever it is, someone must surely have a word
9. The groups - what's the point of entering the X Factor as a group anymore? You won't make it through, cos ultimately they'll simply manufacture some new ones and foist them onto the show - and now they've even started manufacturing the manufactured bands! Looking at the dross that's left now, how sorely missed are Two Shoes.
10. Charlie from The Risk - it's not all about you! Guess the signs were there when he dumped his previous bandmates quicker than you could say 'treachorous turncoat', however his inability to let any of his new bandmates speak when asked a question is tedious beyond belief
11. Frankie's lack of socks. For one week, just buy him a pair
12. Gary selecting Craig as the performance of the week every week - OK he can sing, but he's totally forgettable. If he wasn't large, he wouldn't have made it.
And breathe. Phew, I feel better for that. Of course, it's not all bad- yet! I'm liking Kitty, Marcus and Little Mix more every week (loved Little Mix's Extra Terrestrial this week), but still think it's between Mischa B and The Risk for the win (although the bookies are backing Janet quite heavily)...and it's still my must-watch TV of the week (for the time being).
Right, best go and practice my Engelbert Humperdinck for next year's auditions!
If you've been affected by anything you've read in this post and wish to add your X-Factor loves / hates, feel free to comment below.
No comments:
Post a Comment