OK, so Shabba Ranks I am not, although we could almost be twins?! I've been deliberating whether to tell you about Tuesday or not, but as we're practically family and I feel I can tell you (almost) anything, what the hell...but be warned, you really may not want to read on, so feel free to shuffle off for a jaffa cake and a Midsomer Murders instead.
Still with me? Then gather in, as others may be listening.
As previously mentioned in this Web Log (or Blog as we like to call it), I am not a stud. Bright - ish, funny - kinda of, well mannered - definitely, but the Don Juan of Putney - not on your nelly. Kate's flirting challenge has provided some degree of angst - with some rather marvellous moments too - but Ron Jeremy I am most certainly not. If I'm quite honest my problems with sex are two fold; I'm a romantic at heart and I struggle to disengage my brain. That's not to say I don't enjoy sex - who doesn't? It's just that sex, for me, usually has to involve a degree of romance - you know, a bit of smooching, some kissing, some good-natured giggling and a good cuddle - and it needs to be with someone I feel relaxed with. So when I visited a Tarot Card reader on my trip to Brighton and was left with the parting advice 'stop analysing everything and go get laid' it almost felt like Challenge #31; to make the most of being single and do what most blokes in my situation would do; namely fill my boots.
To cut a long story short, on Tuesday night following a jolly night in the pub, I found myself on a strange doorstep at 10.00pm being invited in for a drink by someone I can only describe as 'unbelieveably fit' and who didn't want me for my mind! Now, this scenario always puts me in mind of the old Gold Blend adverts, which ran for about 10 years after which time, the couple in question finally got round to shagging. Heaven knows why it took them so long, she couldn't have made it more obvious if she'd answered the door with her knickers on her head! But I digress...to my knowledge I've never had a one-night stand (given I spent much of my early 20s drunk, I am waiting for someone to correct me on this??), preferring the more sensible, more romantic route of going on a round of dates and getting to know someone first. Well my mother brought me up properly and I always like to know with whom I'm having the pleasure! My first instinct was to politely decline and do the 'decent thing' but then I remembered 'the cards' and the fact that I am the new, confident me, pushing boundaries and living life to the full. Spontaneity is my new middle name.
I won't go into too many details, but thirty minutes later after a ridiculous amount of flirting (Kate - you'd be proud) nothing had happened. I kept telling myself to make 'the move' and get on with it, but having not found myself in this situation for over eleven years, I was ridiculously out of practice. I couldn't help but keep thinking 'what if I've misread the signs; what if they thought I looked thirsty and were merely being polite? Suddenly I knew exactly why it had taken ten years to break the seal of that ruddy jar of Gold Blend.
Eventually, the stand off ended when a hand reached over and squeezed my shoulder in such a way, that I determined that I was, in fact 'in'. This was the time to stay cool, look confident, man up and do what any stud would do. But what would a stud do in this situation???
...whatever it is I'm pretty confident uttering the words 'nice lamp' wouldn't have been top of the list. But there I was in full Hugh Grant, bumbling mode jabbering on like Vicky Pollard on speed about all sorts of inane rubbish, until I was silenced by a pair or lips locking against mine. Now, think about nuns or your elderly uncle or Richard Whiteley, because you really don't need to let your mind go too deeply into this image, however with the tension finally broken, sheer, unbridalled passion commenced and it was amazing. Within what seemed liked moments the floor was covered in recklessly abandoned clothers, just like the movies and I felt like a proper Latin lothario. As I gazed on the most perfect, naked form I'd ever set eyes on (in real life, at any road) it felt as though a big fat man in a red suit with a big white beard had delivered sack upon sack of presents my way...
...and then the brain kicked it. 'OMG, you're amazing' suddenly became 'OMG, I'd better be good'; the 'you are sooo beautiful' was rudely elbowed out of the way by the 'Why didn't I spend more time in the gym instead of eating cake' and those moments of sheer unbridalled passion slowly became submerged under growing pressure and doubts. I fought desperately against them and it was a mighty battle in which both sides swung back and forth and for a long time there was no clear winner.
And then the cramp hit. I'd no idea my leg had been stuck in the one position for so long, but frustrated with my lack of attentiveness it rebelled with an almighty shooting pain which made me both wince and grimace at the same time. As my immaculate partner became more stunning as the beads of sweat formed on their flawless face, I was left hopping around trying to regain circulation, increasingly aware that I was a red, sweaty scruff hyperventilating through the effort required to suck my stomach in and now with a limp. In truth I started to find the whole episode quite laughable and found it difficult to stifle my giggles, but when I looked up and saw a frustrated, bemused and slightly weary pair of eyes looking back at me, I suddenly realised the whole ridiculousness of the situation.
I went home soon after following a conversation involving the standard apologies and 'it doesn't matter' cliches. A long, lingering kiss on the doorstep told me the night hadn't been a complete washout...and I had pulled at a level several stratospheres above my station. However, in the days that followed in which I went from laughing my head off to physically banging my head against random walls I came to realise that the studly life isn't for me. I am destined never to be the new Callum Best, but instead will happily wait until I meet a special someone who I want to date, who finds life as ridiculous as I do and who knows how to relieve cramp
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